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Going Dark

November 10, 2012

My lovelies, I have to tell you, every once in a while I really feel the urge to just check out.  No, before you call some 1-800-Stop-Her line, this is not a suicidal cry for help.  I adore myself WAY too much to ever even THINK of harming myself.  Plus, hello?  Pain?  Ummmm, not my thing.

 

Those who know me in real life know I’m an eternal smiler.  A happy-go-lucky kind of person.  What a lot of people don’t realize is sometimes that smile is actually a grimace.  I’m awesome at faking happy.  In part because I do believe if you fake happy long enough, it can actually turn around your mood.   

 

Sometimes though it really can’t.  Sometimes you reach a point sometimes where you’re just sick and tired of pretty much everyone and everything.  That’s when the faking just doesn’t work.  But here’s what I struggle with…

 

The things that have me on edge this morning are “insignificant” things.  They are, as my Yoda-esque friend Kat says, First World Problems.  You see, I have a roof over my head, a full pantry, a home with 4…no, wait, currently 5 computers, 2 iPads, 7 televisions and a ridiculous amount of toys.  I had two phenomenal doctor’s appointments in the last few weeks, so I’ve got my health, my family is intact, I’ve got a good job, nice car, blah, blah, blah.  There is nothing in my world that is currently in crisis.

 

My irritation and anxiety arises from people.  It’s all about emotions, inter-personal relationships, egos, the holidays, self-worth…those kinds of things.  It’s family dynamics, workplace conflict, social uncertainties, volunteerism gone awry.  There is nothing life and death on my plate.  There is nothing what-so-ever that will cause anyone any kind of actual harm. 

 

In walks guilt.

 

How dare I be sad and blue when I have SO much and there are so many people who can’t even imagine living the life I lead?  There are a million things for me to be thankful for, and I’m wallowing in self-pity and irritation over what exactly? 

 

Well, here’s the thing good people.  The guilt has no place here.  The fact of the matter, which I have to remind myself often, is that I *am* a good person.  I do good for the world in general and for the people around me.  I have been blessed with a great deal and do my best to give a great deal back to the universe.  But that doesn’t mean that I have to smile and be cheerful every day. 

 

We are all allowed to have bad days.  We are allowed to get angry when we feel we are not being treated right or we are being taken advantage of or used.  There is nothing wrong with taking time and saying “You know what, I’m important too…I matter too…I’m not dealing with the world’s drama TODAY.”

 

There is something healthy and cathartic about taking time to refocus your energies on yourself for a little while.  We all need to do that from time to time.  My brother refers to it as “going dark”.  You have a temporary black-out from everything that pulls you in a million directions and focus on healing your own psyche. 

 

I laugh because I’m not very good at this.  I tend to more “go grey” or maybe “go sunset”.  I have a difficult time truly disconnecting because I’m always worried someone will need me and not be able to get a hold of me if I truly sign off.  Or (because this has actually happened) that those who love me will completely freak out and think something has happened to me.  That’s even harder to deal with for some reason.

 

But I’m going to find a way.  I’m going to try today to figure out how to center myself and find a bit of peace.  I can’t keep waiting for other people to do the right thing by me if I’m not doing the right thing for myself.  So there will be introspection.  There will be some evaluations.  There will be some peace and quiet. 

 

HA!  Who am I kidding?

 

There will be frenetic house cleaning and very loud music.  Probably a very vigorous workout that I will regret later. 

 

The point is I’m going to take time to find my calm, centered place.  As we all should from time to time.  Whatever your method of finding your inner peace, make sure you take the time to do it.  People who stuff everything down for extended periods of time wind up at the tops of clock towers with automatic weaponry.  No one wins with that.

 

 

 

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