Now You See Me…Wait, Where Did She Go?
You know what’s great about me? I’m kind, considerate, patient…one of those people that will be there for you no matter what until the bitter end. (Oh, and I’m humble too.) You know what sucks about me? I’m OVERLY kind, considerate of OTHERS BEFORE MYSELF, patient TO A FAULT and will be there until things get BITTER and END.
Something hit me today. I currently have a number of people in my life who have me in various stages of limbo. I’m not a fan of limbo. Never have been. I like certainty. Good or bad, come what may, I like to know where I stand. Yet at the moment, and frankly for a while, I’ve allowed others to keep me on hold if you will. Why?
Because you’re a doormat LD!
Ok, harsh. True, but harsh.
Maybe not completely true. The problem is I don’t like to make other people UNhappy. Anyone who has known me for more than five minutes can tell you my greatest joy in life is making people happy. Even when doing so makes me miserable. I put the needs of others first, because I tell myself I have so much in my life to be thankful for, that I can absolutely tolerate a bit of emotional upheaval if it makes someone else happy.
Wow….this would be why my therapist giggles every time I walk into her office. I’m a blooming goldmine aren’t I?
I know it’s dysfunctional. I’ve known that for decades (crap I’m getting old!). It hasn’t stopped the behavior. Until recently my coping method was to just eat away to cope with what was eating at me. (You see what I did there? He he he…oh, this must be a middle of the night posting…I’m a little punch drunk I think…)
Now, however, I am making a concerted effort to be different than the same old LD. It’s not that I care any less about those around me. It’s that I’m learning to care about me MORE than I have in the past. Granted, I know I am never, ever, ever going to be a “Me first! Me first!” kind of person. It’s just not in my DNA. But I am trying very hard to listen to all the people who have been telling me that my feelings matter. That I matter. That me being miserable isn’t an acceptable way for me to live.
Frankly, it’s not an acceptable way for any of us to live. We only get one shot on this planet (reincarnation excluded). It should be a pleasurable one. I’m not advocating a hedonistic approach to life of putting the needs of your Id first at all costs. That would lead to chaos, anarchy, and extremely long lines at the entrance to hell. Think about it. We’d ALL be going there for one reason or another.
What I AM suggesting is that each of us take stock of the people we associate with and the situations we find ourselves in. Is there a pattern? Is it a negative one? Do you allow the needs of others to take priority over your own needs ALL THE TIME?
CUT IT OUT!
You (and I) are just as entitle to our joy as everyone else. Seize it. Carpe Diem! (And now that song from Phineas and Ferb is playing through my head…just when I’d gotten it out. Crap.)
So I am hereby putting on notice all the people in my life who don’t seem to grasp what they’re doing to me or what they’re about to lose. Be warned:
I am fabulous, and you’re about to have regrets.
No really…read #1 again…
But seriously, whether you know it or not right now, I am on the verge of walking away…from a bunch of people and situations. Sadly for you, once I’m gone, I will be gone. I’m not very good about that whole second chance thing these days. Largely because by the time I’ve been pushed past my breaking point, you’ve already been given chances #2 – 999. Part of me feels very bad for you because plenty of people will tell you my (humble) presence in their lives is something they can’t imagine being without. Personally, I tend to think they’re nuts, but then again, I make a mean lasagna, so maybe they have a point.
What I do know is I’m a very loyal and dedicated person, but most people who pass through my life only get a glimpse of what that really means. Try not to be one of them. You’re missing out if you are. It’s not that I don’t have time and energy for more and more people…that I have. I’m one of those kooky people who believes the more love and caring I have for people, the more I’m capable of having. It grows infinitely. But I can’t be a placeholder for anyone.
I encourage each of you out there in the internet-web-blogosphere to always give people a chance or two…but find your own limit and stick to it. You’ll be happier in the long run. People, innocently or sometimes maliciously, will take and take so long as you give. But what are you keeping to give to yourself?