Time to Clean House

In some ways my life post the ; (check out that post if you don’t know what I’m talking about) is brand-spanking new.

The sun is shining a little brighter, the sky is a little bluer, the air is a little fresher.

The truth, however, is that when you’re coming out of a very private struggle like the one I went through, although inside feels drastically different, a lot of things outside are still the same – and not always in a good way.

I find myself at a crossroads of sorts between ancient me (pre-suicidal ideations), 2022 me (fighting for my life) and present me.

There’s a thought process that it’s time for me to get back to ancient me. She was fun – she had parties, went places all the time, and was the ultimate do-for-others person. I liked her a lot. But she had a dark side to her too.

She never prioritized herself, often let herself get overwhelmed, and was a fierce advocate for everyone else – but never herself.

2022 me – well, that bitch is gone. Except for the lessons learned – many of which center around the repercussions that came from ancient me’s shenanigans, but there were also lessons to be had about how the world views people with mental health struggles. I know that certain people in my life didn’t see what was going on because they didn’t want to see, even though the signs were clear as day. Other people absolutely saw, tried to intervene, and were instrumental to my survival.

So that brings me to present me.

And I don’t know her.

It’s weird to feel like you don’t know yourself, but that’s where I am.

I know I feel drastically different, and better. I am remembering how to laugh – and mean it. Reminding myself that a range of emotions is ok to have, and not a recipe for disaster. I’ve basically got the soundtrack from Free to Be You and Me running on loop in my brain – retraining myself that whoever I am is a pretty cool person.

I’m playing a game of “do I really like this” with everything in my life – baking? I’m good at it, but do I enjoy it? I’ve always been a writer, but do I actually want to write? (Obviously that one is a yes.) Music? Theater? Yoga? Macrame? Everything is on the table.

Basically, I’m discovering that self-discovery is cool.

But the other side is coming to grips with what I’m NOT ok with, what I DON’T like, and what is NOT contributing to my peace, happiness, and new lease on life.

So the time has come (the walrus said, to talk of many things…sorry, I can’t say that phrase without reciting “The Walrus and The Carpenter” in part)…

The time has come to reevaluate some of the things in my life that are questionable.

To make some hard decisions about what stays and what goes.

And who.

It is time to clean house.

I’m not a believer that when you’re starting anew everything and everyone must go. My life has been full of some amazing things and people and places and experiences. So why would I get rid of all of it?

But what it is absolutely time for is some big, hard, honest conversations. It is time for some truthful evaluations. Time for me to be real and true to myself, honor my experience, and – more importantly – honor my survival.

To that end, the next period of my life is going to be uncomfortable. It is going to require a strength I have never had to employ. It is going to make me nervous and anxious.

But it is going to be worth it.

At the end of the day, if I’m not making sure that what is in my life is contributing in a positive, meaningful way to my life, then I’m wasting my life.

And I fought too hard in the last few months to waste it now.

So, putting on my fancy maid outfit and commencing cleaning in 5…4…3…2…1…