Emotions are a fascinating thing. They cause us weak humans to do all kinds of things that may or may not be completely rational or logical. In some ways I envy Spock and the other Vulcans from Star Trek in that they have evolved beyond allowing their emotions to rule them. Then again, emotions can lead to some of life’s greatest joys, and not having those would be tragic. I suppose the key is balance, which is a serious struggle for people like me.
Although it’s been a while since I wrote anything here…or anything period come to think of it…the fact is that anyone who has followed my journey knows that I am one of those people that experience A LOT of emotions in intense ways. It makes life one hell of a rollercoaster, that I frequently just want to get off.
Today, I sit at home, down with a cold that is not letting me out of its death grip despite potentially lethal doses of Vitamin C, Zinc, echinacea, elderberries, and so much more, and left with too many thoughts running rampant through my mind. So, the desire to write has set in – maybe a good thing?
The last few months (years) have been chaotic in my life in so many ways. Too many ways to detail right now, but I can sum it up by simply saying it’s been so much so that I’ve been unable to write.
That may seem like a silly mundane thing, but for those who know me there should be a collective gasp of horror. You see, no matter what life has thrown at me, I’ve ALWAYS written. Something. Stories, poems, a journal, this blog, posts on Facebook – SOMETHING. Yet a friend recently pointed out she knew I wasn’t ok because she hadn’t even seen anything on social media from me.
My inability to write is a canary in the coal mine in essence – except a very late canary. In fact, that’s a horrible analogy because by the time I’m in bad enough shape that I can’t write, the miners are all dead and that canary is pointless.
So, as I sit here and write (at last) it may make one think “Great – you’re better now!” and that may or may not be an accurate statement. I don’t know that I’m better so much as I think I broke.
I’m not sure if I’ve broken out, had a break through, or I’m just broke down, but something definitely snapped.
Last night I posted something on Facebook that I’ve since deleted. It was the result of someone – a very, very, stupid someone who apparently doesn’t know me at all – threatening me. Not with physical harm or harm to my children…actually, come to think of it, I’m not entirely sure what the threat was at this point. The exact words were if I allowed something altogether petty, asinine, and partially out of my control to happen that “there will be repercussions”. But those four little words set me ALL the way off. My first thought was this:
That was followed by a couple of hours of planning this person’s demise, accompanied by the since deleted FB post.
See, here’s the thing – most people see me and see weakness. I’m a 5’ 2.75”, round, cookie-baking, cupcake-making, executive at a non-profit, PTA working, caretaker of the world. I smile at everyone, will sign any petition a hippie on the street thrusts in front of my face, and I struggle to say “no” even when I really should. I come across as a marshmallow – a lot.
Unless you know me.
Unless you’ve crossed me.
Piece of advice in life – it’s not the people who brag about how many asses they’ve kicked and what they can do to you that you need to be afraid of. It’s the ones who don’t.
Granted, the fact that I’m writing this may come across as me being a braggart – fair enough, I’ll take that critique. But this post is more laughable analysis in the light of day, and with less anger than I felt last night.
The fact is that as enraged as I was, I’ve not pulled the trigger on a single thing that I could do, because I don’t need to. I know for a fact that I could have utterly destroyed this person’s entire existence in a few hours overnight, in ways that they don’t even know I’m capable of, simply because they underestimate both my abilities and my ruthlessness when pushed. Because they’ve never seen that side of me. In fact, there are only about four people on the face of the earth who have ever seen just how far I’m willing to go when provoked.
And I’m proud of that.
Not because I’m some secret ninja assassin. But because I actually care about my imprint on the world.
Ever hear that phrase “With great power comes great responsibility”? It’s so true. Just because you CAN do incredibly destructive things doesn’t mean you SHOULD. Once you do them, then what? I can almost hear a friend of mine say “You’ll feel better” – which may be correct for a time. But what did you accomplish? Chances are it didn’t fix anything. Chances are there were other ripple effects that you didn’t take into account or even realize would happen. Chances are the satisfaction will be short lived.
This is where that Vulcan logic comes in handy. If we can take the time to think about things BEFORE we act, we may frequently find that what our emotions tell us to do isn’t always the best course of action to take.
Don’t get me wrong – sometimes immediate, swift, and decisive action is a good thing. Sometimes, you need to go pure reactionary mode and let the world see your rawness. But it must be tempered. That should be the exception, not the rule.
I had a conversation with a close friend yesterday about how she is really pure Id, and I definitely tend to be almost pure Superego (check out this link for an explanation if you’re unfamiliar with Freud’s concept; TLDR summary: Id = uncontrolled impulse…Superego = restrictive morality). The balance is something we’re both trying to find.
But in the light of day, with a calmer head prevailing, I find myself laughing at my rage from last night, and actually thankful in some ways. You see, this encounter reminded me of something. Something critically important that I’d forgotten.
I hold all the power.
(Insert evil, maniacal laugh here)
Not like that.
Well, not entirely like that.
I hold all the power – in my own life.
As do you.
As do each of us.
Our emotions are triggered so often by external influences that we allow to suppress our own power. But in life, we have a choice in EVERYTHING we do. We choose who we allow in our lives, and to what degree. We choose every action we take throughout a day. We choose whether other people can even have the opportunity to impact us or not.
So, this morning, I’m choosing. I’m choosing to change the course I’ve been on. I’m choosing to return to the woman I was becoming when I actually was liking myself. I’m choosing to say “Yes” when I want to, “No” when I mean it, and “Fuck off” to anyone who deserves it. I’m choosing to place a priority on the things that matter to me first and foremost.
Because this is MY life.
I want to live it.
Go live yours.